Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bears, Oh my!

My daughter recently went camping in Yellowstone. We warned her to look out for bears. What was I thinking, I should have just gotten her this Smith and Wesson Survival kit.

The following was taken from "10 things that will not end well" By

Close Range Bear Survival Kit from Smith & Wesson

The Thing:

After some rather extensive research, the folks at Smith & Wesson discovered that most bears prefer to do their attacking at close range. How close? Well, the kit contains a short barrel revolver because "[a] longer barrel would make it more difficult to use in such a confined place and at point blank range, accuracy isn't that much of an issue."

But don't let the size fool you. The gun is so powerful that they claim merely firing it on the range will make your hand sore. Just make sure to find a range where they let you walk up within a few feet of the target, and pretend that it's attacking you.

Why It Will End Badly:

The product description readily admits that by the time you get your gun out of your rubber ducky colored lunchbox, the bear's going to be so close that gangland execution is your only option. Just make sure to aim carefully as the bear makes a crunchy pretzel sound with whichever of your extremities it has in its mouth.

The kit also includes a whistle, some mylar blankets and a saw. We have to assume that you amputate your gnawed off limbs with the saw because you just fought a grizzly bear at close range with a pistol and a whistle, and you use the blanket to stay warm as you wait for help while slowly bleeding to death. Most helpful of all, while you wait, you can read the book that comes with the kit: Bear Attacks of the Century and think to yourself "Man, my bear totally did that to me too."

On second thought maybe I should just be glad that she is a bright teenager and also didn't encounter any bears.

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