Monday, August 29, 2005

Has anyone seen my cheese?

First of all if you haven't read the book "Who Moved My Cheese" you really should do so. About eight years ago my life started going through a lot of changes. My husband decided to go back to school and get not only his bachelors, but his masters as well. So I left a job working with the same doctor for 10 years and went to work at an Urgent Care Clinic to help with the bills, ie eliminate the day care bill because I would now be working nights and weekends. Change is good. This is when I was given the book to read. It really helped me understand some things about how I deal with change.

I was able to deal with that lateral move very well. Then in order for my husband to finish his masters we moved to Chicago. Ok, I admit I didn't really deal with that "change" well. But I got another job in the medical field and loved the docs that I worked with and loved my pediatric patients. I trully felt like I found where I belonged as far as the job went. Then graduation came, time for hubby to get a job and thus we ended up back here in the beautiful Northwest. I love the area here. I love the mountains. I love the people. And I am truly glad to be back in the Northwests and not in Chicago any longer although I do miss my friends and some connections there.

But all of a sudden I can't seem to find my cheese. There is so much change going on. My "like-a-son" has left for college. When did he become old enough to go away for college? My own daughter is entering the 7th grade, not to mention wearing a size 8 in women's shoes. She is also wearing glasses now. She is becoming a beautiful young lady. And I don't remember her asking permission to do so.

I realize that change is good and that it is inevitable. But does it have to happen all at once. I am now faced with leaving my medical career behind and embarking on a new chapter in my own life. One I'm not so sure I am ready to leap foreward into. People leave jobs that they don't like and start new careers. They don't leave ones that they adore and are really good at to become lunch ladies. I know that this is what God wants for me right now cause I have done a lot of praying on this but for the life of me I can't understand why He wants me in the school kitchen. If one is given a gift, one should use that gift and instead I feel like my gift is sitting on a shelf. I feel like in losing my cheese I somehow have lost my self.

Don't get me wrong, I know right where my tennis shoes are, they are not in a pile somewher and they are not around my neck they are on my feet ready to walk into the challenges that this new job presents but the anxiety of leaving behind something that I love is crushing my heart. I also know that the options in a small town of 700 are not that great. I keep reminding myself of all the great things that this job will have to offer me, like having the same days off as my daughter. Being able to continue to work from home on transcription as well as doing the kitchen. Being where my daughter wants and needs me to be. All of this should be enough to ease the transition but for some reason I still feel as if I have just lost part of my self.


Dawgdays said...

God has interesting ways of dealing with paths. You may have a path ahead, and God will open a door to let you proceed, or close a door to prevent it. But God sometimes closes a door behind you so you can neither go back nor stay where you are.

I remember being laid off from a job after 21 years with the same company. It was my first company after college. It seemed like bad news at the time. But it got me a severance package, and landed me in a totally portable job, both of which helped when my wife went back to school.

I know that this all has nothing to do with your current situation, and how to figure out what your path is. But it's a metaphor you might find helpful.


Other Mom said...

This has to be a hard time for you. I hear the pain and it brings back so much of my own. The paths we take are not always easy and the outcome is never clear, but I have found there is always a reason. They are not always what "we want", but in the end they are prove to be what they should be. Remember that God and family love you and support you. You are in my prayers.

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